Portraits of Collinwood: Limericks

Limericks written by: Marcovaldo	Limericks written by: The Ghost of Sarah Collins
Sam Evans, by gosh, you ole brawler! Let's have us a nightcap, my dollar There's info I'm craving Before you stopped shaving Sam, weren't you quite a bit taller?	There's no better friend then Ol Willie As handyman he's quite a dilly He listens to Hoffman While guarding a Coffin When tickled he laughs very silly
Oh Matthew, your bulk is disarming You've grown sev'ral sizes - alarming! My mem'ry's a keen one You once were a lean one Alas, too much Pepperidge Farming	Aunt Abigail hunter of witches Thinks that they hide in her britches A doily for a hat Her brother's a cat She never can get what she wishes
I'm shocked to find Constable Carter Replaced by a chubby upstarter Now, what do I care if He calls himself Sheriff He sure as heck isn't much smarter	Here's to the so called Reverend Trask In his pocket I'm sure there's a flask His heart is pure evil With methods medieval And a face in great need of a mask!
My sympathies go to Joe Haskell He's such a nice guy, not a rascal But somehow his features Attract evil creatures Who'll help him? Perhaps Rev'rend Trask'll	In Memory of good Bill Malloy Who loved Liz since he was a boy We thought is was Roger That murderous dodger Just doing the thing he'd enjoy
With respect to Dr. Lang: I'm building a man in a tall way With legs that I keep in the crawlway And pieces extraneous From bodies misc'llaneous And whatever's out in the hallway	By the docks Barnabas he would roam In search of the unchaperoned With or without an invite He smiles as he does bite Always leaving his lady so prone
Miss Angie has not cast a spell yet Perhaps she's contrite, I can't tell yet But no, not contrition Explains the omission She simply is not back from Hell yet	Once known as Miranda by name Angelique has remained just same Just as she dreaded Her master beheaded She moved on to much bigger game
When Barnabas stalks the ole dock yard While lying in wait near the clock yard He thinks "What a venue "I much like this menu "Compared to the fare at the stockyard"	My sweet little governess Vickie Took a trip to the past that went sticky She met a real witch Who's nose didn't twitch With a brother who called himself Nicky.
Victoria's spirit deflated "This fam'ly thing's much over rated "I'm horribly fearin' "To these weirdoes here in "I possibly may be related"	Traveling though time is a pain Unless you have something to gain I-ching's a mind teaser The staircase a breezer For a guy with a ring and a cane
Miss Vicky, of seemingly meek wit Leads a night life kept very weak lit She scores many late tricks To play dominatrix See, that is Victoria's Secret	I love going back to the past Reliving that time was a blast Familiar faces And wonderful places Where everything doesn't move fast
I thought I saw Roger and Lizzie And Willie's here also, or is he? Each temp'ral excursion Serves up a new version This time travel thing makes me dizzy	There's no better lawyer then Tony He's cute and he kisses like bogie Carolyn's new stud Who's never a dud But she treats him like he is her doggie
Been plagued by the spirit of Quentin From the room that the children went in I'm not sure how come he Took Brat David from me But this here's a deal worth cementin'	Soon Chris will be free of his curse Although locked in a crypt is much worse With Barnabas in the past How much longer can he last He must be so mad he can curse!
Frank Garner is gone, no retrieval A victim of Gothic upheaval The show's new direction: Satanic infection But lawyers? Well, they're just too evil	Quentin killed Jenny that's true So what is this Collins to do? He'll try to get by With one little lie But a button told on you know who.
Chris Jennings is starting to pout now And through the stone wall hear him shout now "Thanks much for the haven "I'm back to clean shaven "So somebody please let me out now"	Quentin, he drank him a curse To the gypsies he failed to reimburse Beneath the moonlight He'll shrink and take flight In search of some curse to disperse
Our Quentin has made a new slip, see It seems that he got a bit tipsy "It's still very hazy "I think I got crazy "Enough to have sex with a gypsy".	Quentin can be such a flirt When viewing the turn of a skirt A wink of his eye Can make a girl sigh And being a Collins a pert
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